In between worlds and places

    After three drafts of absolutely nothing and months of struggling to write anything worth saying, I'm ready to ramble unabashedly here. Before sitting to write this post, I was sure that I'd have plenty to say. About my latest obsession with Emily Henry's YA novels (especially Happy Place), the Kdrama rut I had been experiencing for a while, shifting to a different city or just becoming more acquainted with myself. Now that I'm finally writing this, I have Ri tucked between one arm, a blanket on my feet, an open window behind me, and a clueless me. The breeze coming from there makes me feel like a typical character except that I'm making it sound like that. In reality, I'm using the blanket to save myself from the mosquitoes, keeping Ri closer to not feel the chill in the air (log kya kahenge? A Delhite shivering from a little rain?) but yeah, the breeze is real. Making me feel alive and happy. I never thought something as simple as standing near the windows would be so comforting and peaceful. Now I know it's perhaps one of the oldest snaps from a movie or a chapter but it's been the first time I felt it for real. Recently, I was telling one of my friends to click random pictures now and then to save some parts of every day to look back at. I've also adopted this seemingly weird habit and so I have an array of ugly selfies and food that I cooked to just remind my future self of these days. Isn't that the purpose of pictures anyway? To remind us of the days gone by and the parts of us during those times. Another friend of mine taunts me that I no longer click as many pictures as I used to when I first moved away from home- which is partly true but also false ( believe me because my camera has a lot of food snaps!)

    I've come to believe that nothing is' instant' - be it noodles or a connection. Not that I was ever a believer of first-sight miracles - I'm an outright skeptic but everything seems easier theoretically. It's taken me a while to settle down, get comfortable in the new place and space, call it a home, or believe that it's going to be fine. 'I'm fine' is the most frequently used and rehearsed response ever but believing in it is a different game altogether. A decade ago, my friends and I were fangirling over a youth-centric movie when I first heard the dialogue - "kuch waqt do, sab theek ho jayega" but only recently did I start to believe in it. Major cringe? Whatever said and done, this movie, or more so its anticipation after the trailer will always be a happy memory. Perhaps more so because the people I shared it with are still close to me, around me, and always there. That's the thing with friends you grow up with, right? You have so many memories, so many chapters, and so many stories together that it all adds up and makes you feel come what may, you're in for the long haul together. Currently, we're all living in different cities (and a separate continent) but except for our missed calls and signal issues, it doesn't feel far at all. I may not have the right words for it and I've been excused for not being good with emotional expressivity but in all honesty, when the people close to you, believe in you, even when you're pretty unsure, it feels lighter and you feel better and stronger. Despite attempting to write this post in an organized way, it emulates a kind of chaos, a little of this and that- so my apologies for this mess of a post, but that's me. 

    I don't know how to explain it, but I've been feeling fresh the past couple of days. Not that there aren't rolls of exhaustion, but I'm enjoying the monotonous parts of the day for now. An occasional auto ride in the evening, savored home-cooked meals, and re-runs of old shows during dinner, chatting with my roommate, and exchanging recipes. 'Fangirl' has been my comfort book but lately, living a part of it has made me feel even closer. I hope to write more regularly. It's funny how my 15-year-old self managed to write every month- I'm proud of her and hope I don't make her die a slow death. So here's to more wordy musings as catharsis and continuing to feel pretentious. I stole the phrase from Aisha but never thought I'd get to be a part of her or at least I'd like to believe that toh abhi ke liye bas itna hi...