Yours unapologetically

-

         Those who know me well and those who know me in passing are both aware of my usage (also called obsession) of the word sorry. It seems to confuse, irritate, annoy, appease, amuse, and relax people at different times. Slowly, this word has become a part of my regular dictionary but I'd like to clarify that I don't do it for others. It's for my own self, or at least it was. For the longest time, I had this belief that it would help soften the inconvenience I was statistically bound to make. If I'm being honest, it hasn't changed much but I do realize that holding on to it is proving to be inconvenient to my own self. Have you ever felt like a convenience store or a mood board? That's how I've been feeling lately. Like a blank canvas with paints being thrown at me but the colors aren't my choice. Maybe all I'm doing is rambling but it does give a sense of clarity to me. I don't want to be a canvas always, I want to throw colors, I want to be the one who goes on crazy painting sprees without explaining to anyone or being bent on being overly convenient or considerate for others. 


         A couple of weeks back I was telling a friend that sometimes all I need is another me for myself. And gradually, it dawned on me that I can become that person, in fact, I should. I want to become my own ally and support system. I know it sounds cheesy or even silly but I think I'm okay with it being it that way. For once, I don't want to be on anyone else's side but my own (Mi- Joo, 2020). Yeah, I realized I better insert a citation here. For those of you who haven't seen the show Run On, Mi- Joo is one of the most insightful and beautifully written characters who emphasizes that there's nothing more essential than getting along with oneself. Respecting our own self and space is perhaps the only way synonymous with self-care. I do preach more than practice but this is actually something I want to implement and I will. I want to find a way to strike a balance between others and taking care of myself. It's not going to be easy, but I think it's worth striving for. Janis Joplin, you were right when you sang ' Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got." I know it's easier said than done, but I'm going to take baby steps to be unapologetic for making time and space for myself. I started this post a while ago but finally finished it today. Maybe it sounds a little self-absorbing, but I'm not sorry for this toh abhi ke liye itna hi...

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

To be or.. not to be

-
Dearest Gentle Reader,      There is no gentle way of saying this, but let me try: vulnerability is scary, necessary but intimidating; significant yet brutal; crucial but painful. It's about laying ourselves bare, even when the very thought makes our palms sweat. No, I did not get heartbroken, because I'm way past the stage. I'd rather break hearts than get mine stomped. Forgive me, I am new to the Bridgerton world so my over-the-top attempts at being dramatic can be quite irritating. But I do love the way Whistledown writes. Powerful, witty and so so good. My sister scorned me when I proclaimed that I could be a gossip writer - I mean it's a far-fetched absurdity but why not? Once upon a time, I thought I would write a book, see my name in print and that would be it. The thought makes me cringe and smile together. It still seems a childish fantasy, but you never know. I feel someday, I might still try and write something. A bad, crappy story but still, I hope I get ...
Read more

Fading footprints

-
Wow. So much for my resolutions of writing more frequently, here am I writing just near the end. I can't blame my work schedule or other people: this one's on me. But then every time I sat down to write, I just couldn't finish it because I felt something was missing. Gestalt psychology asserts that we're so used to interpreting things as a whole, processing patterns in entirety that we fill in the seemingly missing details ourselves. Maybe, that's what I am going to do in this post: try to sketch a summary of the last few months, by remembering and writing about the details that came to define the experience. Where should I start though? Should I start with my new IKEA plates? They have been my best buy ever. The set of deep white plates makes me want to cook and then plate the dishes well. They also make me feel like I'm enjoying a rich meal. While some people enjoy cooking and are really good at it, I've come to realize that even if I'm not half as goo...
Read more

In between worlds and places

-
     After three drafts of absolutely nothing and months of struggling to write anything worth saying, I'm ready to ramble unabashedly here. Before sitting to write this post, I was sure that I'd have plenty to say. About my latest obsession with Emily Henry's YA novels (especially Happy Place), the Kdrama rut I had been experiencing for a while, shifting to a different city or just becoming more acquainted with myself. Now that I'm finally writing this, I have Ri tucked between one arm, a blanket on my feet, an open window behind me, and a clueless me. The breeze coming from there makes me feel like a typical character except that I'm making it sound like that. In reality, I'm using the blanket to save myself from the mosquitoes, keeping Ri closer to not feel the chill in the air (log kya kahenge? A Delhite shivering from a little rain?) but yeah, the breeze is real. Making me feel alive and happy. I never thought something as simple as standing near the window...
Read more