The caterpillar phase

Brace yourself: Since I haven't written in a long time, this is quite a lengthy post. 

I always thought it was an exaggeration: walking in moon lit paths and staring at the night sky. This Saturday I realized that my skepticism emerged from ignorance and inexperience. Not that I didn't take walks before but simply because I was never invested in them or took time out especially for a walk. To me, taking a walk and walking had always been synonymous or maybe it was just a way to pretend that I actually did something to keep myself fit ( which is a big lie). Nevertheless, the reason for this poetic beginning to the post is that I'd discovered my love for enjoying walks. I find myself looking forward to the evening when I can drop my bag, leave my room and just step out for an hour or so to walk. Just to walk. And I love it. I love taking a new path to walk everyday and stare at the stars at times because they're too beautiful to ignore. No, I'm not in love - just putting it out there because growing up watching Bollywood tends to drive us make this connection faster than a synaptic transmission. Although, technically, I might be falling in love. Yes. Falling in love with my new routine and parts of my own self. Kevin Pearson was right when he said, "We go through life slowly, collecting these little pieces of ourselves that we can't really live without until we eventually have enough of them to feel whole."  

Two months ago, my imposter syndrome was making me doubt every step that I took - from entering the dining hall to walking in the corridors, meeting the scholars in the department, I felt that maybe all of this was a fluke or I was a fluke and didn't deserve to be here. I got an email from one of my friends who's like an elder sister in spirit and Austen was right - nothing hits you more than words and honestly her words echo quite a lot especially the last line that she wrote : Till the time confidence doesn't come naturally, fake it till you make it darling."  I still have days when I believe that someone's going to discover that I am an easy replacement but I try to drown it, even if momentarily  I feel happy doing things on my own and it gives me a sense of accomplishment to- from grocery shopping to doing my own laundry, it may be tiresome but a part of me loves it too. When I'm walking back to my room every evening, I don't feel like I'm living in a hostel but rather a studio apartment. Of course there are times when I become extravagant and splurge a little more than I probably should - and my friends pampering me by sending food and goodies from far. I want to thank them for trying to make me feel comfortable and loved from miles away. I never felt homesick courtesy them, their phone calls and their genuine love and concern for me. I remember when I shared the news with them, they were so happy and jumping with joy - I could hear it in their voices and at that moment I felt the luckiest person on earth. Their support, worldly advice and veteran hostel tips have helped me a lot to settle down. While reading the boarding school series by Enid Blyton, I often came across the phrase " Settled down in their own ways" and I'd like to believe that I've adapted  in my own uncanny way here. Starting my morning with a tedious but essential and endearing process of making my own coffee in the kettle ( I have realized that getting good coffee is an absolute luxury and the only means to getting one are my own hands). I like going to work ( except on Monday - Monday blues are real!) and learning new things. Sounds like a rather typical line but oh well there are times, they fit the context and your feelings:) When I started writing, I thought I would go on and on about every small thing that's - from finding food shacks around the campus, getting used to the layout of the university, experimental cooking and shifting. I probably did write a lot, but then where else could I spam these thoughts? I'm going to try and write more in order to capture my whole experience better but today I should stop here so abhi ke liye itna hi...